The unexpected legacy of divorce pdf

The Good Marriage explains why, and its lively mix of storytelling and analysis will challenge every couple to think in a profoundly different way about the most important relationship in their lives.

Equally important, it ignores the two most common ways of talking about marriage — as a contract negotiated between two equal parties and as the pathway to individual fulfillment. Indeed, Wallerstein places much more emphasis on the development of good judgment and a moral sense than on the acquisition of effective communication or negotiation skills. The strength of this study is that Ms.

Wallerstein, a gifted interviewer, persuades the couples to reveal their interior lives in rich, explicit detail. Wallerstein and Blakeslee again combine their substantial talents She provides The style [is] clear, concise, sensitive and, occasionally, personal. Her personal additions This book has value for the many audiences interested in relational theory that want to approach relationships from a realistic and positive perspective.

A best-selling author, Wallerstein employs a thoughtful, nonaggressive style that appeals to the general public. Wallerstein has performed an invaluable service in The Good Marriage.

Tully, M. Those interested in social policy should be pleased that so well-respected a liberal academic as Ms. Wallerstein has written a book that celebrates marriage and points the way toward restructuring it.

It is in such a context, less idyllic, but more realistic, that the book will prove to be a lasting contribution. Wallerstein What About the Kids? Now in paperback -- a groundbreaking guide that tells parents how to help their children at the time of the breakup and in the many years that follow within the post-divorce and remarried family -- from the New York Times bestselling author of The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce.

In the tradition of the best parenting guidebooks comes a new work by the renowned child psychologist Judith Wallerstein on a subject that vexes millions of American moms and dads: How can you genuinely protect your children during and after divorce?

View 5 excerpts, cites background and methods. Using a systematic literature review, … Expand. A structured questionnaire was conducted with 1, divorced women and SPSS was used for quantitative data … Expand. An exploratory study of women's experience of parental divorce. Data was collected from in depth interviews on … Expand. View 9 excerpts, cites background and results. The aim of present qualitative study was to examine the role of culture-related … Expand. View 3 excerpts, cites background.

Throughout the extant literature on parental divorce and remarriage, researchers have studied the behavioral, emotional, and academic outcomes in children adjusting to family transitions. Overall, … Expand. Although the impact of divorce on family members has been widely explored in the literature, with many prevailing myths debunked, there has been limited discussion of the impact of parental divorce … Expand.

An only-child adolescent's lived experience of parental divorce. The aim of this qualitative case study was to explore and describe the experience of an only-child adolescent's lived experience of parental divorce. Gestalt field and phenomenological theory in … Expand. Effects of parental divorce on mental health throughout the life course. The long-term effects of parental divorce on individuals' mental health after the transition to adulthood are examined using data from a British birth cohort that has been followed from birth to age … Expand.

The role of the father after divorce. The Future of children. Fathers figure prominently in a child's postdivorce life whether they are involved or disinterested, but concerns about inadequate child support, noncustodial fathers who fail to visit, and the … Expand.

View 2 excerpts, references background. The Consequences of Divorce for Adults and Children. I use a divorce-stress-adjustment perspective to summarize and organize the empirical literature on the consequences of divorce for adults and children. Even the cat was smiling. I was intrigued by Karen's capacity to maintain an image of serenity in her drawing because by now I was privy to the shrieking disorganization in her family life.

Karen's wish for peace and family togetherness was poignantly clear. As I was to learn, this was the central desire of her life. The James divorce totally bewildered the children. The father made a good living as a dermatologist who worked long hours in a private practice with four other physicians. The mother was furious at her husband, complaining that he was never available, spent zero time with the children, was cold and aloof as a husband and incompetent as a lover.

He paid almost no attention to what he called her "yammering. The job engaged her artistic streak and enabled her to be at home in the afternoons when the children got home from school. She was a strict, demanding mother. He was an emotionally distant father—when he was around. The parents yelled at one another, barking grievances that made no sense to the children, but there was never any talk of divorce. As the three siblings told me, Sturm und Drang were part of normal family life.

The real storm began with the sudden traumatic death of Mrs. James's mother, who was killed in a highway accident. James collapsed with grief. The death precipitated an agitated depression in Mrs. James, who became increasingly angry at the world and critical of everyone around her. She turned to her husband for solace, love, compassion, and sexual intimacy. He became the chief target of her rage because he did not provide the help she needed.

Quarrels that were part of the marriage began to magnify and cascade as the anger took on a life of its own. Soon their life was nothing but a series of arguments, each louder than the next. James was badly frightened by the intensity of his wife's needs and withdrew further. Reeling from both losses, she attacked him more and more wildly.

Stung by her loud accusations of his failings, he countered with accusations of infidelity, long-standing frigidity, and incompetent mothering. As best I could make out, the final trigger was Dr. James's departure for a two-day dermatology convention. Consumed by her anger, she impulsively sought legal counsel and filed for divorce. As I looked over the record and searched my memory, I was surer than ever that the James's quarrels had more passion than content.

They were not fighting over infidelity—which was apparently old hat—so much as wanting to hurt each other. Each heatedly denied the other's accusations. Yet, like so many divorcing couples, they fought savagely, as the children looked on helplessly or ran away and hid. As happens in many families, there was no disagreement around child custody or visiting. James would have done anything to irritate her husband, including making him take the kids—as long as that is what he did not want.

The marriage was dissolved amid rising chaos within the family. The parents' fury at each other did not subside over the years that followed, although it was never fought out in the courts.

This is a familiar situation for those of us who work with divorcing couples. Contrary to what most people think including attorneys and judges , the vast majority of divorcing parents do not drag their conflicts into the courtroom.

The 10 to 15 percent of couples who do fight in court consume the lion's share of our attention but they do not represent the norm. Most parents negotiate a divorce settlement, decide on custody arrangements, and go their separate ways. Unfortunately, many of them stay intensely angry with one another.

In our study, a third of the couples were fighting at the same high pitch ten years after their divorce was final. Their enduring anger stemmed from continued feelings of hurt and humiliation fueled by new complaints child support is too burdensome or too little and jealousy over new, often younger partners. Like many divorced people, Karen's mother frequently called her ex-husband and got into shouting matches.

As a result, the children were exposed to the hurt and anger that led to the breakup throughout their growing up years. Millions of children today experience the same unrelenting drama of longing and anger that refuses to die.

It is, of course, hard to know how often divorce is precipitated by factors outside the marriage. I have seen a good number of such instances.

Indeed, it is one of the common causes—or more precisely, final triggers—of divorce, yet few people seem to recognize its importance.

Whenever people are shaken by a serious loss in their lives—be it the termination of a job, death of a parent, serious illness in a child, or any grievous event that can evoke powerful and primitive passions—the bereaved person will turn to their spouse for comfort.

If the partner responds with understanding and tenderness, the marriage can be forever enriched. But the tragedy can also split people apart when the bereaved person is deeply disappointed in the partner's response and feels rejected in his or her hour of greatest need. Grief turns to rage as the two people end up irrationally blaming the other—one for not having empathy, the other for making insatiable demands.

The initial loss is soon compounded, anger and accusations take over, and the marriage cascades downward. James followed this script to the letter. It's especially tragic when divorce occurs as the sequel to a serious life crisis. The suffering person loses whatever support there was in the marriage and confronts the transition from marriage to singlehood in a depleted state.

The children are badly frightened and apprehensive about what lies ahead. It's as if the entire family at its weakest point is expected to deal with an earthquake and its aftershocks. What happened to this family is instructive. Many people, including lawyers, judges, and mediators, don't understand how often in divorce seemingly rational complaints cloak powerful, irrational feelings.

Or they assume that the complaints always reflect anger at the spouse and not some other deep sadness. However familiar Mrs.

James's marital troubles sounded to her attorney, her anger did not arise from the marriage per se but from a secondary loss that fueled her rage. Ideally, her grief over her mother's sudden death and her inability to mourn should have been addressed before she moved ahead to make thoughtful decisions about her divorce and her children.

This is the kind of rage that can last for decades after divorce and it is the kind of anger that leaves lasting residue on a child's personality.

As an adult, Karen is terrified of conflict because it's so dangerous. But we're getting ahead of our story. Six months after the divorce, Dr. James married a much younger woman whom the children liked very much. She was lively, funny, and did not try to intrude into their lives as a rule-making stepmother but rather befriended them and treated them warmly.

Unfortunately, Dr. James carried some baggage into his second marriage and it, too, was stormy, featuring many unexplained weekend departures by the second wife.

Three years later, she kissed the children good-bye and left to marry another man. James told me during one of our follow-up interviews. The children were stunned, bereft of explanation for the second loss in their family life.

Nor did Mrs. James find much happiness in the years after her divorce.